I’m fucking tired of this always happening. I’m fucking tired of being hurt. I’m fucking tired of missing my fucking chance. Fuck this shit already.
And it’s finals week. God fucking dammit.
I love having friends at school; they’re cool people and I can talk to them about anything: what homework we had, whether they’re on Instagram or not, and our crushes and shit.
I talked to my friend about who we liked at the bus stop one time. She said she didn’t like anyone, and I told her that I liked… someone. (I ain’t going to say who it is.) Basically, it turns out that they’re both like best friends, and she said that it’d be cute if her friend and I went out; somehow, that gave me a little motivation. I asked her to not tell her friend, and she obliged. We got on the bus and parted ways as I got off and went home a couple minutes later.
A few days later, and I find myself sitting next to the girl I like at the Kalani homecoming. After the game, I go home with most regret than I have when I’m drunk: I did not at all have the balls to talk to her, aside from asking “Can Zack and I sit here?” I went home bummed as hell, but lucky one of my friends was able to cheer me up a little.
The next week, I see my friend (the same one that I saw at the bus stop), and I start talking to her about how I couldn’t talk to her friend at the game.
She tells me that my crush knows I like her.
She also tells me that she wouldn’t go out with me, since she doesn’t really know me.
Well… that’s a logical reason, right?
But then I thought this through: I can’t really win at all unless something about me is appealing to her. If I start talking to her just all of a sudden, she’s going to think (and know) that it’s because I like her. If I don’t talk to her, well, I’m not going to have a chance.
I was having a pretty above average day at school that day, and I was actually kinda happy. After finding all of this out from my friend, I just instantly slipped into depression again. I seriously felt like rolling up and burning again, daily. Now, I didn’t, and I haven’t since then, but weed’s so easily accessible, I can anytime. But I didn’t. Yet.
I haven’t been able to sleep since that day. I’ve been writing raps and songs and poems daily and I cannot get enough sleep; when I do, I ended up sleeping for literally 14 hours. I’m slowly killing myself, and I don’t want this to happen again, it just is.
And it’s finals week. Fucking ‘ell.